Pardon My French – My lifelong Struggle to Connect with My People

My fascination with all things French began at an early age, upon learning the origin of my ancestors. I named my new puppy, a French poodle, Pierre François Dubois. I picked out swirly French Provincial style drawer pulls for the dresser my dad refinished for me when I claimed the bedroom my older brothers vacated. Pierre chewed every corner he could dig his razor-like bourgeois canines into.

My first opportunity to learn my “native tongue” was in seventh grade, choosing French for my foreign language elective. My teacher, Madame Lynch, was a European transplant. Also a tyrant, she confiscated my “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” paperback the morning she caught me reading it in class. She promised to return it at the end of the school year. On the last day of school, when I approached her to get it back, she claimed she couldn’t find it. Dictator.

Despite her iron-fisted disciplinary methods, she was generous with praise when deserved. One day, each student took a turn reading aloud a passage from our textbook. When I finished reading, she announced that my pronunciation was exceptional. In fact, she said, I could pass as a native speaker. My thirteen-year-old self interpreted that to mean I was a natural, had mastered the basics, and no longer needed to study. My B+ plummeted to a D the next semester. Nonetheless, her words stuck with me, and I never lost my affection for la langue française. Continue reading


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A Red Teddy and a Home Pregnancy Test – Must Be The Dollar Store

RedTeddyBearAt ten years old, my grandson is a seasoned bargain hunter. But Jackson didn’t get it from me. Even when my daughter was little and my budget littler, I never got into the whole coupon cutting, bargain hunting competition that my contemporaries enjoyed. When dollar stores starting cropping up in strip malls in my area, I had no interest. Target, sure. Walmart, on a rare occasion, but the Dollar Store? Sounded like another scam whipped up to get me to spend my hard earned Social Security check.

The last time I made the two-hour drive to visit, Jackson insisted we take a trip to the neighborhood Dollar Saver. I wrestled a cart loose from the queue and followed him in. The first thing he spotted was a shelf filled with miniature stuffed teddy bears in a variety of colors. He grabbed a red one from the display and asked if he could get it for his mom for Valentine’s Day. Continue reading


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Holiday Hunger Games

santa tossing pkgsThe house smelled of pine, bayberry and bacon. My mouth watered, anticipating the feast promised by our hostess.

My husband and I settled in on the sofa to enjoy our new Christmas tradition with his daughter’s blended family. Kelly’s fiancé and her two college-aged kids sat at the dining room table. Alfredo’s two grade-schoolers bounced around the room, along with Kelly’s littlest one, navigating through the assortment of friends and relatives, curled up cross-legged on the floor in the crowded living room.

“We’ll serve brunch after we open the gifts,” said our hostess, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

Perfect. My morning coffee and toast should hold me while we unwrap a few presents.

 I got up to greet a late arrival and nearly tripped over the avalanche of gifts fanning out beneath the tree in a wide semi-circle.

How will we ever get through that landslide of ribbons and reindeer wrap?

The room began to spin. Visions of syrup soaked waffles danced in my head.
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6 Reasons Why I Love Monday

HAPPY MONDAY! (1)Sounds crazy, right? But believe me, I know where you’re coming from. For more than half my life, I endured a 45-minute commute five torturous days a week on clogged highways and crammed public transit. By Friday afternoon, I fantasized about the wondrous weekend ahead. TGIF. For two blissful days, no alarm clock jarring me from my nightmare of looming deadlines, no packed roads or commuter trains, no boss surreptitiously leaving AARP literature on my desk. Oh yes. I get it. TGIF. Continue reading


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Tragedy at Target

female-detective-clip-art_fA friend and I agreed to meet for dinner last week at a strip mall near where she attends a Toastmasters group. Kudos for going all in on self-improvement. Stacey suggested we eat at the Italian restaurant in the mall. Recalling a disappointing dining experience there, I suggested we meet in the parking lot at 5:00, and caravan to a better bistro a couple miles away.

The textversation that evening went like this:

Stacey-How about 445 in target parking lot. Text me and I’ll honk.

Me-Yep that works!

I arrive early and text to see if she’s waiting.

Me-I’m here

No reply. Continue reading


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